[ScottyTuned]

READERS: Please Do Not Read If You Get Offended Easily! These Jokes Are Purely For Humor Purposes, And Are Not Meant To Foster Hate, Racism, Or Anything Of That Nature. If You Feel Like You Might Get Hurt By Such A Comment, Please Stop Reading Now. There Is No Harm Intended By These, So Laugh Along And Feel Free To Post A Joke. Also, Please Take Note That All Those Under 18 Are Warned That Some Jokes May Be Risque And You Read At Your Own Risk.

POSTERS: Please Do Not Post Jokes of Race. Redneck Jokes Are Acceptable, But No Others. It Is Too Offensive And Only Creates Hate. I Know I Gave A Warning, But Please Be Politically Correct And Respectful To All. THANK YOU!

If Anyone Is Offended By A Specific Joke, Please PM Me And I Will Remove It.

[ScottyTuned]

From the original joke post:

Here ya go. Not redneck but what the hell.
Q: Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
A: It's hard to find them in the snow.

Q: What do you call a white man with a sheep under each arm?
A: A Pimp.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

A: Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.

How many deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?


None, they just wait for it to burnout and then follow it around for twenty years.

What did the deadhead say when the acid wore off?


Heeeyyy man, this music SUCKS!

Redneck....High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear

Someone told the blone girl to take a bath in milk for soft skin so she called the grocries store to order some milk. When the milk man asked her "will that be pasterized?" she said, "hmmmmmm... no just up to my tits

How can you tell that a blonde was using a computer?


The white out on the monitor!

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[LunaXB]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but
the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One
says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says
to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green,
Green Grass of Home.'!"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a
field and Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and
says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything
you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I couldn't find any.


14. I went to the butcher's the other day and wanted
to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the
meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. I went to a seafood disco last week and
pulled a mussel.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar.
One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

18. -Removed Racial/Ethnic-

[LunaXB]

Every day, a male colleague walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a
sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a colleague telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[Mad_Sciontist]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes" whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?
"Yes"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."


Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME!"

[RAIDERBEAST]

a farmer driving around his property checking the fence with his buddy, see a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

the farmer stops the truck and says to his buddy watch this, the farmer gets out and starts having sex with the sheep.

the farmer gets back into the truck, and his buddy says "damn that looked like fun." the farmer says well get out there and give it a try.

his buddy runs out and puts his head in the fence........

[Padanky]

Why did the Chicken cross the road?







To get to the other side! LOL

[Mad_Sciontist]

Frank works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Frank! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Frank. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Frank if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Frank, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Frankie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Frank's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Frank follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Franktries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Frank, you picked up a real ***** this time".

[short bus]

[SoCal_ShadowXB]

Originally Posted by short bus

Nice...so true..

[short bus]

[Padanky]

^^They are right, I read that just fine!^^

[Mad_Sciontist]

Anyone know who this is?

[ScottyTuned]

Grizzly Adams! haha. naw jk. Bill Clinton?

[kartel]

What does Michael Jackson Call Trick or Treaters??












ROOM SERVICE!!

[ScottyTuned]

From the other thread: All were added here now unless racial/ethnic so no offense is taken!
-Scotty-

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out in the middle of the afternoon. Wondering what is wrong with him a younger gentelmen stops to inquire why he is so sad. The older man explains, "I'm 79 years old and I'm married to a 23 year old beauty queen winner who cooks me three meals a day. She does all the house work and my laundry. She makes sweet love to me four times a day and she thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread". The younger man looks at him in disbelief and asks, "why in the world would you sit here and cry with a woman like that waiting for you at home?" The old man replies, "because I can't remember where I live"

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . what? (Oh, man this is so bad, it's good). A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and brass nuts?

Sparky!

chuck norris jokes are always funny...heres a few that i like that make me laugh...

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the eff down.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pees

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter.

Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins.

Chuck Norris actually knows Victorias Secret.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to have had sex with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this a slow Tuesday.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nitelite on. Not because hes afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Everynite the boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

God said "Let there be light!". Chuck Norris said "Say please........"

Chuck Norris made the world in 6 days and sold the rights to God.

Plane crash strands three guys on the top of a mountain top. The cliffs around them are waaaay to steep to climb down so they figure they are screwed. Then one guy finds a lamp in the bushes. They rub it and out pops a genie.
"i'll tell you what I'm going to do" says the Genie "since you all rubbed the lamp, you'll each get one wish to get off this mountain top. One at a time I want you to run towards the edge, jump off, and scream something you want to become to get yourself down safely"
So they think about it and the first guy runs toward the edge, jumps off the cliff and screams "bird!!!"
He turns into a bird and soars down to safety
The next guy runs toward the edge, jumps off the cliff and screams "plane!!!"
He turns into a plane and soars down to safety
Last guy thinks really hard,... runs toward the edge and right before he jumps he trips on a rock and falls off the edge screaming "OH SH*T!"

a mom, dad and a son tomato are going for a walk one day. the son tomato is lagging way behind so the dad tomato goes back and steps on him and yells "catch up"!! (catch up - ketchup) get it!!!!

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse....horses are hung like Chuck Norris

[ScottyTuned]

Chuck Norris doesnt tea bag the ladies.... he potato sacks them!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

A guy is sitting at the bar and as he is drinking his beer he hears "you look great tonight". He looks to the left and sees no one sitting at the bar, same when he looks to the right. He takes another drink of his beer and hears "have you lost weight?" Again, he looks around and sees no one who could have made the comment. The man is puzzled but continues to drink his beer. Once again he hears a voice, this time it says "your hair cut looks wonderful." The man can't take this anymore, he doesn't see anyone around who could have made the comment so he calls the bartender over and tells him what has happen. The bartender looks at the man with a knowing smile, points to a bowl of snacks on the bar and says..."they're complimentary peanuts."

when chuck norris does pushups, hes not pushing his body up, hes pushing the world down

and chuck norris is the reason that waldo is hiding

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The Bar-tender asks him, "hey, doesnt that bother you?"
To which the Pirate replies, "Arrr, it drives me nuts!!!"

On the eve of Desert Storm, Saddam is trying to decide which uniform to wear. His assistant says: "When Napoleon went to battle, he would wear a red shirt so if he was to get injured it wouldn't demoralize the troops." Saddam says "I like this logic... Bring me my brown trousers."

This is the latest scam, and for those that need proof, according to Snopes.com, this one is real. Be careful. I AM SAD AND EMBARASSED TO ADMIT I AM A VICTIM of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots in Missoula, and happening in other areas as well. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far that her breasts nearly fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back-seat. Then both are begging you for a ride home. Be very
wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
I couldn't find them on Saturday.

Be careful out there,

Three guys die in a car crash and go to Heaven, upon their entry they are given clocks. They ask what the clocks are for, and are told that when they Jack-off the hands will turn and if they can go one week without the hands making a full turn around the clock they can return home.

A week later they check in to see if they can return home.

First guy see's his clock and Poof he is sitting on his couch at home.
Second guy see's his clock and Poof he is in a nice hott shower at home.
Third guy doesn't see his clock, and returns to the gate keeper and asks where his clock is. Gate keeper tells him that it is on his desk and He uses it as a Fan!

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's
upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy
says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and
he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief
Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,
just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she
tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving
at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He
jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool!?! ....Is this 916 555-5655!?!"

Did you know they played tennis back in Bible times?
"David entered God's courts with rejoicing".

Did you know Moses had a motorcycle?
"Moses rode through the desert on his Triumph."

The first hotel mentioned in the Bible...
My shack, your shack and to bed we go. (obscure to say the least)

The longest case of constipation in the Bible...
"Satan will be bound for a thousand years."

What did Adam say to Eve the first time he saw her?
"Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets."

A Guy Goes To A Supermarket And Notices A Beautiful Blonde Wave At Him,and Then Says Hello.

He's Rather Taken Aback, Because He Can't Place Where He Knows Her From, So He Says "do You Know Me?"

To Which She Replies "i Think You're The Father Of One Of My Kids."

Now He Thinks Back To The Only Time He Has Ever Been Unfaithful To His Wife And Says, "my God, Are You The Stripper From My Bachelor Party That I Laid On The Pool Table With All My Buddies Watching, While Your Partner Whipped My Ass With Wet Celery And Then Stuck A Carrot Up My Butt?"

She Said ", I'm Your Son's Math Teacher."

There will be more coming in a sec.

[ScottyTuned]

The City of New York High School Math Proficiency Exam

NAME:____________________

GANG NAME:______________________

1.) Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2.) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3.) Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4.) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5.) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6.) Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

7.) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8.) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9.) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

10.) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
__________________

Ma takes Pa to his doctor's appt. The Doctor says "I'm gonna need a urine, semen and fecal sample." Pa says "Eh? What's that? Speak up..." The doctor repeats his request and Pa says "I can't hear a darned word you're saying." Pa turns to Ma and says "What did he say?" Ma replies "He said he wants your undershorts..."

A farmer walks in to his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. His wife is sitting there watching TV, when she looks up at him, he says, "Honey, I can't keep this a secret from you any longer, this is the pig I've been having sex with for years." She says, "That isn't a pig." He says, "I wasn't talking to you..."

Q: What is big, green, fuzzy, has four legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you, it would probably kill you?

A: A pool table.

Q: What is grey and comes in gallons?
A: An elephant.

Q: Why do elephants have 4 feet?
A: Sometimes 8 inches just aint enough!

Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ?
A: On the bottom of its' foot...Because if one steps on you, you're fu_ked.

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

The groom walks into the back room with a HUGE smile on his face. The best man asks what he's smiling about. The groom says "I just got the best BJ of my life... AND it was from the girl I'm about to marry!!" About that time, the bride walks into her changing room with a HUGE smile on her face. The maid of honor asks why she's smiling. She says "I just gave my last BJ!!"

Q: What does a thong and a barbed wire fence have in common?
A: They both protect the property and don't limit the view

what did the fish say when he hit a wall???? DAM!

Polygamy is sex with multiple people. Monogamy is the same thing.

A drunk in a bar watches a nicely dressed man approach different women through out the night. The conversations end with the woman raising her voice asking "WHAT DID YOU SAY??"

After three times, the drunk slides next to the man and has to ask.

"Hey thoose me, but wud are yoo thaying to theez wimunz?"

The dressed gentleman explains, "Well, first we start a simple conversation, and if all goes well, I simply ask 'Tickle you @$$ with a feather?' and if she opposes to being asked this I simply state 'particularly nasty weather'."

"Dusz it werk?"

"Of course, observe."

And with that, the man approaches a lovely red head who has just entered and sat convinetly near them. The two engage in an animated conversation and for the fourth time that night, the man utters "Tickle your @$$ with a feather?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY??"

"Particularly nasty weather."

"Oh, yeah it is." and with that, the red head moves to another seat.

The man moves on to his fifth potential date and as the drunk watches in wonder, the woman giggles, nods her head and the two start to leave. The man looks over his should and gives the drunk a wink.

Ecouraged by this, the drunk sets his sights on the very next woman that comes into the bar.

As he sits with the leggy blonde, he starts up a conversation, steels his nerves with one last shot, and asks "Stick a feather in you butt?"

"What?!?"

"It's colder than hell outside, colder than hell!!"

Few more on the way...

[ScottyTuned]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected: A
half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A
head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of
bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by
this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt
and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could
have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the
better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely
correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

I was never religious before I got married....

Became religious after that, I never knew how hell was like until my wife showed me.

Adam was wandering aimlessly in the Garden of Eden. When God looked in on him, Adam looked sad.

"What's wrong my son?"

"Well, not to complain, but you've given me this wonderful Garden, with great pets, and a choice selection of waterslides. But it gets kinda lonely, you know, without anyone to share this with."

God ponders for a moment then offers Adam a compromise.

"Son, I can give you a companion, and she will be called 'Woman'. She will be strong, yet dependant on you. She will have her own mind and opinion, yet she will love and obey any choice you make. She will be loyal, intellegent, and thrifty. She will be a wonderful mother to your offspring, cook and clean, and never question your authority. Beautiful, and seductive with a charm that will make you weak in your knees for all time."

"Done!!"

"Uhmm...it's going to cost you though. I will have to take one of your arms and one of your legs to birth this magnificent creature for you."

"Arm and a leg huh? What can I get for a rib?"

Mike was in BIG trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be
something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, she looked outside and saw a small package in the
driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand
new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Mike have been set for Saturday

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy
pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the
display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in
this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for
Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who
are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are
for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare
month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac
daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the
wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well,
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come
again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92
years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember that fairies are female.

Still more coming....

[ScottyTuned]

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
31.. I still miss my ex... but my aim is improving.

Inexperienced Chile Taster

Notes from inexperienced chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from the
east coast.

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cookoff.The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
standing there at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges(native texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the score cards
from the event.

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope thats the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthurs Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang
Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frank: Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when thay saw the
look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Frank: Call the EPA, I've located a uraniam spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disapointing.
Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn off tastebuds? Sally the bar maid, was standing
behind me with refreshments. That 300lb. tramp is starting to look to HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I'm wondering if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggresive use of peppers,onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I'm worried about judge
#3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollaby.
Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth,pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damm thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damm shirt. At least during the autospy they'll know know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painfull. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
Judge # 1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not to
bold but spicy enough to declare its existance.
Judge # 2: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to to see most of it lost when judge # 3 passed out and fell over
and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Frank: -------- Editors note: Judge # 3 was unable to report

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mini Cooper
convertible. He took off down the road, flooring
it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the
pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and
saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring."I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and
he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then
110, 120 mph!

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mini Cooper and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes
and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
he trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

Trying to get all the clean ones....